How can I not think about it? Or stress it? When in reality she’s the woman that I love. She’s the one that I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. How can I NOT have an emotional attachment to everything that includes her? I just can’t seem to comprehend how people can love and not be attach. How is that even possible?
I just know that I want to go home. I want to be next to the people I love. I can’t help to wonder how long is this going to last…this “friendship” or whatever label you want to throw on what we hold. We came into terms of “taking it slow, going with the flow..” but sometimes I can’t help to ask myself..Do you even deserve me? Do you even deserve us being friends or forming some sort of establishment? After everything? How am I so sure that you won’t pull the same shit again? And when you do pull the same shit, I will be back to that place, that same place that you left me in. Torn, confused, and in love.
I’m mellow. I’m not happy nor sad, but I’m contempt. I love myself, I love life, I love the ups and downs of life. It’s amazing to me how things can change within a day. One day your whole word could be falling apart and the next, things are just… alright.
I’m okay with being contempt…for now. This is not the way I plan on living my life but for the time being, I’ll embrace being contempt. It’s better than crying and feeling like you are prone to a stroke or heart attack.
My body is drained from the emotional impact this break up took on me. I waited two weeks to cry and I couldn’t even shed a tear, and today came. Tonight I found myself on my knees in the shower asking God to please take this away. Begging for forgiveness for whatever I did to deserve this. Tonight I found myself on the floor of my room uncontrollably crying because I could no longer hold it in, I found myself on the floor with my engagement ring in hand asking why? Why me? Why am I going through this? I laid on the floor because I began to forget how to breath. And if I could describe the way I feel this very instant I swear you would be frighten to put yourself in my shoes. I swear if you could feel what I feel for just five minutes you would ask yourself if a reason even exist for you to be alive.
Whoever said you couldn’t die from a broken heart obviously lied because I feel myself slowly dying with each day that passes by.
How can you still love someone after all the shit they have put you through? How can you still love that one person that has left you broken and by yourself to pick up all the pieces? How can you possibly still love when all you feel is pain? When all you find yourself doing is crying?
This pain is unbearable. God please take this away.
I came into the conclusion that I’m a masochist. Now when people usually hear the word masochist they automatically assume Rihanna S&M, or some sort of sex fetish but I use that word in the sense of enjoying being emotionally mistreated. You see the thing is I really don’t have to be stressed about things that are out of my hands. I choose to dwell on things until I panic and become disoriented. Many of the predicaments are avoidable but I choose to experience bad blood. I choose to feel shitty, lost, moppy and sad. If I really wanted to be happy and make a change all I have to do is work on will power.
I know she called me while she was with her new girl, thats the reason why she didn’t leave the bathroom. I’m not stupid, I know she spent the weekend with you in your sisters house. I know that you two are having dinner together, tonight.
My heart is racing. I’m furious.
Have you made love to her? Do you hold her at night? Do you call her beautiful-bella? Do you cater to her? Do you love her? Do you hold her hand when you walk in the street with her?
I want to text her, I want answers. Answers that I know would put me in a worse state of mind.
Today was difficult. Another day of waking up disoriented. She called and the conversation didn’t go as expected but reality is maybe I have expectations for something that died out months ago. I asked about her new girlfriend and she couldn’t respond. I asked if she was happy and she answered “No”. I’m not even sure if I want her in my life anymore, I feel like us being friends or keeping in contact will only do harm to the both of us. It’s hard enough as it is but I can’t say no to her. Her voice, so harmonic. Hearing her breath it’s like a favorite song that I wish I could just maintain on repeat. I wan’t her around but reality is sometimes what we want isn’t whats good for us.